Self Discovery

sunset

I’ve been wanting to write a post about this for a while but really didn’t know how to start or really what to say but… things happen in your life and you just start to think (and sometimes your husband points things out that you didn’t notice hehe) and decipher more into how you think.

(This might be a big explanation on some of it but I feel like to understand how my crazy brain works I need to cover a few things)

Firstly, in my younger days I was neglected and I did a lot of personal work on myself to try and counter the damage left behind (and no, it was nothing terribly bad my parents just don’t quite understand what all it takes to take care of children and I will leave it at that) and it was emotionally painful. You literally have to dig and figure out bad habits that you’ve developed over the years and figure out the why which leads to the cause and ultimately you have to start repairing all of it. Biggest thing is acknowledging it and willingness to change. I’m glad I figured it out in my twenties instead of my forties like most people. The hardest part for me was realizing the problems and it wasn’t fixed just by knowing it. It was a long process in changing everything.

With that said, when you’re neglected I would say most of the time you have no idea. You’re a kid, you’re living your life or what you know it to be. “That’s just how it is,” comes to mind because when you’re a kid how do you know the difference? You think differently as a kid and ironically enough it’s hard to notice even in your teens when your mind starts to change and you notice more because like attracts like. If you were raised like I was, you were drawn to people that were raised the same and that’s exactly how I did. Not all of my friends but the ones I was the closest to were like that. Please know, I feel most parents do the best that they could and I’ve come to accept that because sometimes it’s hard not to have resentment build up.

I myself know, my mom and dad did the best of their ability with being my parents. The crappy part about neglect/dysfunction is that it starts with someone and it gets passed down through the generations but the cool thing, is it only takes 1 person to stop it. So I say all of this so you can know how I felt all the time; what my “normal” was. I don’t remember a lot of stuff in my younger years because I just blocked a lot of it away. I never felt good about myself. I would put up a front so people thought I did. My best explanation though is being on the outside looking into my life as things happened. I thought that was normal. It doesn’t seem like a big deal but here’s an example:

When I was in high school we had a group of friends. I’m from a really small school, my graduating glass I think was 17 students? Anyway, there were about 7 or 8 of us in the group of friends and we were most of the time friends through our grade school years, middle school, and high school and even though I was “in” the group I never once felt like I was. I played my part as always but… I never felt accepted on the inside; it was always that “outside looking in” feeling.  So now that I’m a different person for the better, anytime I run into those friends from the past I feel like a dancing monkey trying to be friends with them. If you want to understand check out this poem.

I, of course, have never noticed this about myself until now. After you’ve repaired the damage every once in awhile the issues pop up on you again. (Which is annoying by the way since you thought you had “fixed that”) I’ve tried over the years to give people a chance and I’ve realized that we’ve grown apart and don’t share the same ideas of life and I’ve slowly eliminated them from my call list but honestly, I like giving people the benefit of the doubt. Not to mention, I have this annoying habit probably like most people that I just forget the last instance that I spent time with people and I’m so excited to get to visit with them… All the bad crap goes out the window.

(I’ve thought about giving more detail in this post but I think I’ll just remain vague since what if people took offense and all that?)

My discovery is this: 1. I resorted back to my old habit of being a “dancing monkey.” Trying to be friends with the so called “popular kid” and 2. Just because I’ve changed and I’m a better person, I shouldn’t expect it of anyone else. 3. Just because I can be a good friend, doesn’t mean other people expect that as well.

I will say this though, if I’m making an effort to be your friend or helpful or we have a conversation about different things and maybe to be nice you agree then ignore me any time I text you after that point… I don’t care how busy a person is, a text takes a few seconds and it shows that you’re a nice person. I think of a scripture from the Bible “Just let your word ‘Yes’ mean yes, your ‘No,’ no, for what goes beyond these is from the wicked one.” –Matt 5:37 Does that not mean anything to anyone? You would cause less hurt just being honest rather than to pointedly ignore someone on purpose.

I wear my heart on my sleeve and try and think the best of people and try to be courteous to people in general. I value friendship, I make as much effort as I possibly can to make things work because all relationships don’t just happen on their own.

I got upset over this situation and my husband reminded me that this happened in the past with this person and it always ends with me trying to make a friendship happen and them not trying and a few years pass and it plays out again.

I had to take a step back and think… He is right. I do have to say, I already have a true friend/best friend that will always stick by my side and that is my husband. He knows me better than anyone else and it’s nice to have someone to know what you’ve been through and has been through it with you. I’m glad he remembers all of this because I definitely have to be reminded. Some people just aren’t friend material and that’s fine. I don’t hold it against them or anything and I’m not calling them out at all; but at least I’m aware of it now and I can’t get hurt again. On the other hand, I could be totally wrong and misreading the situation but it’s hard to say when you are ignored.  In the end, I still made a self discovery and learned I needed to work on some things I thought I already dealt with.

Sorry if this was an over explained mushy post but I wanted to get it off my chest. Has anyone else been in this situation before?

7 thoughts on “Self Discovery

  1. Okay, so trying to understand the situation you are experiencing – it sounds like you are saying you’re being ghosted by a friend, right?

    I’ve had that happen in the last couple of years dealing with infertility, when people we thought we were close to just stopped calling, flaking out on plans, etc., with no explanation. My pain was to the core, and I just had to remember that old adage about people coming into your life for a reason, season, or lifetime, and focus on my own life. Didn’t make it any easier, and I’m still fairly bitter about it, but shit happens and people’s social skills can really suck. Maybe it’s me being 43 now, but my rebound time is much better and I got bigger fish to fry. I’m glad you have a kickass husband 🙂

    Like

    • Lol Yes he’s pretty useful 🙂 haven’t heard it called ghosted but makes sense? My problem isn’t the “ghosting” it’s that I forget all about the past and jump right on the same train I’ve been on before with the same results each time. Does that make sense? If you can go years between making it effort maybe that’s a sign.

      Like

      • Oh yes I recognize that as well, the patterns of the people we spend time around whether they be in friendships or workplaces or romantic relationships. We are often taught to focus on that when we pick a partner but don’t realize that it also happens with friendships. My special talent is picking inaccessible people, and I finally noticed that it’s in many of my relationships as I now term my mother “the bad boyfriend” because she was like that bad boyfriend where you were happy just to get 10% of their time. It’s a big habit to change, and to be cognizant of as you’re meeting new people, it’s tough. I’ve pretty much lost the people that I thought I was closest to before my infertility, and the more I think about them the more I realize they were fairly inaccessible type of people anyhow. We get charmed by friends just like we do with romantic partners. So after you realize that you’ve been charmed again, it’s heartbreaking. I know before I met my husband I made a list of what I expected in my next partner, and it really made me aware when I met Dan that he had many of those things I had missed out on in my first marriage. Perhaps it’s doing the same thing when it comes to our female friends… You’ve kind of inspired me just thinking about that!

        Like

      • Yes! That’s what I do as well. I puck inaccessible people! Not that I’m proud of that lol but me and the husband had a very similar convo like your reply just now. At least we can grow and hopefully learn and move on to making better friends.

        Like

  2. Funny I stumbled onto this blog…I’m on a midnight hunt for purchasing a few more chickens and turkeys…in the dead of winter…while listening to my hubby snore in bed. I was originally reading your chicken post…Any who, I can totally relate to this post for some reason. I had really really crappy parents…who, looking back, incorrectly and deliberately used the bible to manipulate me as a young girl..but we won’t go into the gory details of that wonderful time of my childhood (sense my sarcasm)…just know it sucked. But I find myself *complaining* in my head and to my husband usually about having no *real girl friends. I totally get the dancing monkey thing. I had two good friends in HS ( a grade below me…no friends in my actual class…how sad is that?), today, they pretty much have nothing to do with me. When I used to run into them…I would get so psyched and happy and think maybe they will be the ones to reach out this time….but it was usually me who did that awkward initial…Hey, how’s it going…..and then end with let’s get together again soon…and we might…but nothing ever long term has materialized….which is sorta depressing. Don’t get me wrong…I love my husband (and our two young sons) but sometimes it’s just nice to have that special girl friend….so I decided, I guess I will just have to be satisfied and extra thankful for my awesome farming family and many critters. That’s SOO cool you have a milk cow…that is my dream to own one someday…but my husband is not as thrilled about that aspiration. I secretly want a goat too…but I my father-in-law said no one day jokingly with me about the many animals we have now….So I will just patiently bide my time…until one day I come home with a milk cow and goat 😀 So for now, chickens, turkeys, cats, dogs, beef cattle, and horses will have to do lol…oh and our pet goose…. But after I get accepted into MU’s program this fall (*praying*) and conquer vet school in four years….we are getting a MILK COW 😀 I will be my own boss and make my own schedule…I am a registered nurse by trade…but currently a full time student…It was nice to “meet you”….your blog is pretty sweet 🙂 God bless you and your family!! Too bad we don’t live closer….I bet we would be like two peas in a pod 😀 Happy Farming!!

    Like

    • Ashley S, it’s definitely been a while since I’ve posted on this blog… I miss it 😦 But my priorities have kind of changed, like you I am going to school but to be a Licensed Surveyor) so that has been taking up a lot of my time as well as the full time job I ended up with… My farm is a bit neglected at the moment. This weekend we are going to work cows though. Where do you live by the way?

      On the milk cow front… If you are in school and gonna be a vet I don’t know if you’ll have the time for that milk cow unless you get one that you can add a few calves to so you don’t have to milk her as much. They consume A LOT! of your time, I can definitely tell you from experience. I feel like sometimes it’s almost better to just find someone who is doing all the hard work and buying milk from them, though, I’m not trying to talk you out of your dream. If that’s what you want, then that’s what you want.

      The friend side of things: It’s ironic where life takes you because I can honestly say I’m not friends with any of the people I graduated with. If I ran into them in the store, I’d say hi and all of that but… Life has changed, I was a different person back then and I doubt any of them would understand who I am today (especially since I’m one of Jehovah’s witnesses, I’m sure a lot of jokes would be had lol). The person I had in my mind when I wrote this article… Never talked to me again (still as of yet). Though I feel like in a couple of years she’ll see me on facebook or something and play this all out. I don’t remember if I blocked her or not? Point is, though you may not have “girl friends”, you can always maybe message people online perhaps? I created a little group on fb with a couple of my friends which helps us stay connected. Also, if you have “friends” that don’t make the effort for you… They aren’t worth your time or effort. Everyone has a busy life, I definitely know! but if you want someone in your life you’ll make that time for them.

      Well, off my soap box now! Thanks for commenting on my blog, hope you’ll reply again!

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s